All Kindsa Stuff About Me

Care Of Recon and DeadPanAnn... thanks guys. Really. I mean it. Here goes...

Ten years ago:

This period of my life was a touch on the fuzzy side. High school, moodiness, being naughty... that about sums it up, I think. I know I was trying to get into college, which was proving to be a bit tougher than I'd originally anticipated. But eventually I suckered a school in the fine state of Connecticut to let me squat on their campus for four years.

Five years ago:

I had just moved to Boston and into a frightening apartment with our good buddy Recon. This place was pretty ridiculous. The neighborhood was not so nice either. When Recon says his car was stolen while living there, he doesn't mention that it was stolen from our driveway. It was definitely haunted, too. And I don't even believe in ghosts.There WAS a pretty sweet crying chair there, though.

Also, I had just hopped on the tattered tailcoats of the "Internet Bubble's" last gurgling, Tuberculosis-infested cough of life by getting a job at Cambridge Incubator. I was paid far too much money to do absolutely nothing all day. I got fed Thai food and microbrew beer on Fridays, and played foosball and ping pong in the main meeting room with my boss. I had a corner office with a view of the Charles River at the tender age of 22. I was also laid off four months later. But I had a taste of the good life, and I'm proud to say that I participated in one of America's most embarassing bout of Venture Speculation ever recorded. If you want an idea of my life during this time, check out the movie Startup.com.

The day I was laid off, I watched Office Space for the first time, by the way. Now THAT is synchronicity.

One year ago:

I started working at oh... about the fifth place I've worked since leaving Internet Playland. Trying to find a "real" career after spending the first four months of your professional life in Romper Room is difficult, to say the least. Trying to explain to the person in the next cubicle over that I used to have a corner office makes you sound crazy, by the way.

Five Yummy Things:

I'm with Recon on this one: the word "Yummy" makes me want to puke in my mouth. Kinda ironic, ain't it? With that in mind, here is just about the only "Yummy" thing I can think of:

Dousing anyone who uses the word "Yummy" without a trace of sarcasm or irony on their blog in kerosene and doing this to them:



So now, on to five things that make a sexy party in my mouth:

1- A margarita made with Don Julio Anejo tequila, Cointreau, Key Lime juice and a hint of fresh lemon juice. Shaken, on the rocks and with a fat wedge of lime.

2- Mussels from Monk's Cafe in Philly

3- a really well-made slab o' tuna sashimi

4- The Guinness they pour at the tasting bar at St. James's Gate Brewery

5- A nice Chateau Lafite-Rothschild Bordeaux

Five songs I know by heart:

1- Build Me Up Buttercup

2- Happy Birthday

3- Copacabana

4- "Hooker With A Penis" by Tool

5- "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats

Five things I would do with a lot of money:

1- Build a home entertainment system to end all home entertainment systems. We're talking 20 foot screen, hundred thousand watt speaker system, Dolby 900 (which doesn't exist and will never exist, except in MY movie theater) and seats made out of baby seals that serve you beer when you think the word beer.

2- Build an android that's an exact replica of Recon and send it after him to terrorize him for eternity. It would be so perfect that everyone would start thinking the android was the REAL Recon. THAT would freak him out. When the joke got old, I'd send in the mob of angry villagers with pitchforks and torches.

3- Find whoever invented the notion of Supply Side Economics and "stimulate his economy" with a giant dildo.

4- Buy an orangutan and teach it to dismantle Cadillacs like Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose.

5- Hire an army, arm them with hair dryers and send 'em to the arctic to do a number on the ice caps. Just to show those rich folks with their mansions on the beach why they should be just as concerned about the environment as I am.

Five things I would never wear:

1- Anything Chartreuse

2- Anything Salmon

3- Anything Fuschia

4- Anything Periwinkle

5- Anything Taupe

Five Favorite TV shows:

The Daily Show

Good Eats with Alton Brown

The Colbert Report

Beavis and Butthead

The Simpsons

Five things I enjoy doing:

Nerding (this includes learning stuff about computers, playing video games and doing the sorts of things you associate with being a Nerd, other than getting beaten up by the jocks)

Reading

Nothing, if it's on a sparsely populated Caribbean island

Yelling at the TV,

Thinking about how much it would suck to be this chick's boyfriend

Five people I want to inflict this on:

Oh come on... I'm a civilized blogger. I've long since abandoned spreading these things. They're like the Internet version of Pilgrim smallpox blankets. You feel all cool cuz someone is being nice and giving a crap about your pathetic life, but then, once you accept, you find yourself covered with pus-filled boils. The meme stops here! Though there are many among you from whom I'd like to hear all about these things. So, if you decide to contract this textual virus, please let me know in the comments! I actually AM just burning to read all about all of you. So please, do. Cuz it burns! IT BURNS!!!